Want some Opera with your Crack? Trying to get “the BIG ‘O’…”

“If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.” – Henry Ford

After overhearing a number of people discussing smartphones and browsers over the past year or so (both online and off-line, and also due to the iPhone, whose “hype cycle” is about to go into overdrive due to the forthcoming device release, bragging about being able to “surf the web”), plus the recommendation of the geekier (in a “positive” way) sales rep at my phone provider’s kiosk (not to also mention my OWN sometimes geeky leanings, of which I will not say whether these are positives or negatives at this time), I recently decided to load a different browser onto my trusty(?) dusty Crackberry.

Round 1-DING!
Just point your browser at the Opera website. AAAAAAAAH! Is there not a script (or something) here that allows a phone browser to degrade to a better experience? After finding the link for “Opera Mini” (eventually), I had to go through several menu options to figure _where_ to download, after which it looked like an easy enough task to perform; my, oh my, how mistaken I was. POW-I am down on the mat.

Round 2-DING!
“Send a link to your phone via SMS to download” sounds easy enough; I regularly have decent experiences doing this sort of activity on other telephones to get games, sounds, and other miscellaneous crap onto telephones that are not made to be user-friendly for this sort of activity. In other words, if you use Verizon Wireless or US Cellular for your mobile service in the US, and/or if you own a telephone that has no memory card or USB-ish type of synch cable, you can probably relate to this, regardless of phone provider. Selecting this SMS option, I selected my country (United States of America) and keyed in my telephone number without a “country code” (which is a “1″ for those of you who never dial international calls via telephone systems); so far, so good. The SMS message arrived right away with a working link; I selected the link using the Crackberry’s Trackball (which was a WONDERFUL addition, might I add, to this device, and helped to “seal the deal” for me to buy one of these) and clicked the link. Said link seemed to take me back to the SAME page I have recently visited, which again wanted me to select a phone model, a country, and to give my telephone number to receive a SMS message with a download link. JAB-I am again on the mat.

Round 3-DING!
“There HAS to be a better way to do this,” I am thinking as I fumble through the plethora of links and crap to relocate the original link to download this browser via the Crackberry-included’s software web browser. OOOOOOOOH! I can download directly to my phone!! (“Now _why_ didn’t I just do this in the _first_ place, no?” I ask myself.) Seems easy enough. Click the link, download to the device. Or so I thought; the link is to a zipped archive, which my Crackberry cannot un-archive. THWACK-I’m on the mat yet again.

Rounds 4-15 (or maybe 21, or 33, or more: after several weeks and occasional attempts to do this as time permitted, I tried this again)-Repeated DINGS!

I repeated Rounds 1-3 just in case I had forgotten something/overlooked something over the next few weeks, as time permitted, resulting i my continual disappointment as I am again dropped to the mat by a somewhat formidable foe. UGH–am I this close to being knocked-out? Yet, I again stagger back to my feet for more pummeling.

Round “(((Some positive integer evenly dividable by 3) > 33 and not <33) +1)”-DING!

Oh wait-maybe my foe has a weakness I have yet to exploit. Hmmmmmmmmmm. A-HA! “Download to PC” BINGO! How stupid of me to not have tried this earlier after my repeated face-plants to the mat. Hop onto the somewhat trusty lappy, launch browser of choice (Mozilla Firefox v2.somethingoranother instead of the current v3.somethingoranother). Go to Opera.com, get assaulted by a splash screen for some version of Opera 9.somethingoranother that made me think “Windows 95″ for some reason. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, Stupid. Stupid. (Had to say that again). Oh, whew-a “click to continue to website” button; must be my “left-hook?” Refreshing-an easy to navigate website (so far). Information is easy to find (so far) via headings with “disappearing” menus under them. Clicking on one of the menu headings (for download) takes me to a place to get their current PC browser-oops, when “hooking” the opponent slipped in a jab to my left. Clicking on “Download other versions” takes me to a page with links for Linux, MacOS, etc. and no link for mobile of mini; a second jab from the opponent and I again return to the mat for yet another taste (serves me right to think that someone might desire to get a different platform or browser than the “Big 3″ by clicking “Download other versions”–go figure).

Round “(((Some positive integer evenly dividable by 3) > 33 and not <33) +2)”-DING!
Wait Wait Wait–there is a menu that appears when hovering over “Download” which allows me to select “Opera Mini” or “Opera Mobile” if I do not want plain-old Opera (I will take my Opera with subtitles, please, to enhance my presently-limited comprehension of the Italian language. Cue the laugh track. Now then, laugh with me; you _know_ that I _had_ to “go there” sometime in this review, right? Or better yet, cry, as many Operas seem to end sadly, this one included). After clicking the “Mini” link and downloading fairly painlessly to my desktop, unzipping the archive, and adding this application to my now-tethered Crackberry (which is an experience — grrrrrrrrrrr, scowl, grimace, turn-red-with-anger, , etc. — I will critique at some later date, in the interest of brevity here). Time to Surf! Or not. Launching by selecting the big “O” (and not a reference to a famous TV performer, nor to an online store, nor to the other “big ‘O’” to which women frequently refer) brings up a long list of Terms, Conditions, and miscellaneous crap to read before continuing; thankfully the programmers added a tutorial before the “load of crap and leagalese” on how to use the browser, yet they did NOT add a “click to continue” button, which I was seeking due to their instructions to “Read this page and select ‘Continue’ at the end of the license agreement” (or something to that effect). With a bit of frustration, and a “gee, I wonder what happens when I push _this_ button” curiosity, I clicked on the Crackberry’s Menu button and was _then_ given the opportunity to “Accept” and/or “continue”; sigh. Done. Finally, but badly bruised, beaten, and lacking a desire to do this ever again. TKO by knockout goes to Opera. This sucks.

Fight Recap

After many rounds (the number of which are mostly evenly divisible by the integer “3″) of pummeling the opponent, the winner by TKO is Opera. The loser is the end user.

Color Commentary Conclusions/Observations

With this installation experience, I am _guessing_ that this browser must be the buggiest piece of software one can use. If I were Opera, I would not expect to get many users after this sort of experience; I would consider _my_ experience to be tolerant, and of significantly higher patience-level than that of a typical “end user.” If this were 1988, I would expect this level of frustration in trying to get and install software, but seeing that this is 2008, this sort of experience is _inexcusable_ for an end user in this day and age except for “waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay-pre-alpha development release” software, of which this supposedly is not. Shame on you, Opera.

(Before I decide to delete this “big ‘O’” from my Crackberry, I will try to surf and use it for a while. Maybe. Check back and see.)

Edited on 11July2008 11:30 a.m. Chicago time to fix my equations-I forgot one open parenthesis in it.-jw